Deconstruction

I have been feeling so much better on the taxol, amazingly I have had equally challenging emotions as I've been getting stronger and coming out of the chemo fog. I look around and realize that we have been floating along alone for the most part on the stormy sea and it both scares and makes me proud of me and the kids.  We are strong and united.  I thank God for not wasting a moment of opportunity for self growth on this journey I continue to learn so much about human nature, as well as about my own strength and forgiveness.

My energy has rebounded to something I only vaguely remember from my pre diagnosis days so I feel like superman when in fact I am just cresting on a day with a bad cold. But ever so grateful for it. Gratitude. another thing I thought I had nothing left to learn about yet there is an endless sea of lessons for that as well. I hope and pray for each one of you that you feel gratitude deep in your hearts for something unexpected-a person or small act of kindness today- it is so rare and exquisite because we hesitate to tune out the noise to feel that level of detail in our lives. I highly recommend it.

So how am I looking? Well, there is so much work to be done to truly get ready for a day out now. I have lost my hair, more than 80% of my eyebrows and lashes and of course my body has changed. I am thin like in high school and have these smaller permanent perky boobs that my plastic surgeon has not finished working on yet. Which means they change in size... It's like I'm an interchangeable doll. I have to contend with make-up namely eye-brows- something I never did before and lashes something I still fight now... and hair on a record breaking summer of triple digit heat. give me a dew rag and bare face and its all good for me. But apparently this is not good for my self esteem so I take the time do do the work and then the time to rest from it. 

I dont mean to sound negative on anything here. I have mourned the losses as they've come. The temporary ones, the possible ones, the friends and family who failed us, the time lost and my sense of security that my body wont betray me anymore. I have come to terms with all of it. Occasionally  I still shed a few tears but at least I know why. Its all been a part of deconstructing my old self.

I love that my chemo is working which is what the strange bald face looking back at me in the mirror signifies. I love that Dr. D is working on my chest and that no matter what, in the end I will end up with cancer free breasts. You'd think it would be a given that my size 0/2 body would give me joy automatically but I've grown to love it for the fresh start that it is to only feed myself and my family healthy beautiful foods...yes a fresh start.

So deconstruction has been brutal but necessary and unmercifully slow. I am almost to that point in a remodel when you stop making your house look worse and you can really begin to enjoy the process of putting it back in order, making things lovely again.

Thank you friends for always being here...