Playing the Dogs

You may know- since you are on my facebook that I am an advocate for animals maybe even that one of  my favorite quotes is Albert Schweitzers  "think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight".   I honestly believe that if we all continue to look away from the ugly truths they will continue to be perpetrated.  I used to be much more hands on within the rescue community before my stroke but even though I can't transport animals or foster I have found other ways to stay involved.   I still "play the dogs" as my kids call it when I pledge money on the unwanted ones across the country hoping to make them more attractive to prospective rescues. When we lose one, its not a lost wager- its actual death and those losses are taken hard, some weeks loss is all there is.

this is one of those weeks

Why do I engage in this bizarre activity? Because there are nearly 3 million dogs and cats that are killed yearly in this countries shelters because of overpopulation. That's about one perfectly healthy dog, cat, kitten or puppy, mutt or pure bred animal dying every 11 seconds...

I will only briefly mention the abuse of these innocent animals. We see the equivalent to law and order special victims unit and criminal minds all rolled into one horrible episode with dogs and cats as the victims. Except its no show, its real and its scary. For those of us who choose to "think occasionally of the suffering" this crap stays with us- it gets burned in our minds if we let it. But to be effective I can't let it bog me down with anger or hate.

I go on for love. Love of the dogs and cats that were not blessed to be mine.

RIP Puppy Doe and Hooch - Uno I am praying for you! 

Mothers Day 2013

In 2008 I was living in Denver with my beautiful kids and husband Alan. we were both doing well in our careers and our kids were busy in many activities. We were - well.. like many of you. We were going non-stop and barely enjoying our blessed life.

One day Alan was at the park with our youngest child when he had a sudden cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated by a good samaritan but not in time to prevent brain death.  We held vigil at his bedside for 6 excruciating days before he left his earthly body. It was on that 5th day that I saw my chiropractor and had a neck adjustment. I remember thinking I need to take care of myself so I can be strong through this for the kids.  Unbeknownst to me my caroited artery had been disected in that adjustment.

When he passed away  I drove the kids and I across Kansas back to Missouri where he would be laid to rest next to his dad.  When I arrived I had the first stroke- a minor one at the visitation. We all thought I had been overcome by grief and exhaustion. I pulled it together through the funeral and the drive back to Denver where upon arriving I took myself to the hospital and had a major stroke there. I lost my right side and my speech, those first few days in the ICU I was trapped in my own head. I could only pray silently for my children who were at home grieving the dad they had just lost and now would have to contend with this scary experience.

Twice I've nearly died in unfortunate moments of my life. Once after this massive stroke the other after my first cancer surgery.  During these experiences I lost my fear of death and felt a profound peace as if a benevolent hand were covering me. I felt a warmth over my face- like the sun shining. When I recovered physically from the crisis I had changed- my perspective had changed 

Yes, I reclaimed my life, but only the parts worth saving. 

Before two years had gone by since Alans passing and my stroke when I was diagnosed with a complex aggressive breast cancer. I had made peace with death should it come. 

How is it to have made peace with death?!

I explain it like this. I flash back to every amazing moment I can think of I run them through my mind as quickly as I can....My parents when they were young, my brother and I playing marbles, the smell of my favorite foods, friends from childhood, my vw golf, my fathers hands at work, the boy with the brown and blue eyes, my dogs, my cats, 24's smile, 22's hugs, 26's eyes, the sound of their laughter and the images keep coming so fast once I ask them to - positive beautiful images are limitless within me..

I have fought hard to stay here through 6 months of chemo and 33 doses of radiation and 3 surgeries because I want MORE  time but if I had to leave - wow- I've had so much beauty YES EVEN with becoming a widow so young, having a stroke and then cancer, losing my memory and parts of my body.  ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR ALL THE BLESSINGS AND AMAZING MOMENTS I HAVE EXPERIENCED! 

And on this Mothers Day I have nothing but joy and thanks for a life already filled with everything I that have ever wanted!
What I wish for all of you is, Hope through your adversity - calm in your chaos - that you find love in unexpected places- its all a matter of perspective! If you can't change your circumstance than change your vantage point.

If you're having troubles, come stand next to me- my view is amazing!

My fathers journey began today

It was ten years ago that my best friend, my only parent for most of my life, and my mentor passed away in the early morning hours. It was a a cruel short confusing battle against an invisible enemy. 

I remember kissing him on the forehead after they had given him a room on Saturday, I told him I needed to go home and check on the kids.  That I would stop by his house afterwards and get him a change of clothes for the next day, when he would be coming home and his toiletries for him to shower and shave in the morning.  I picked out the outfit that he would never wear and I still have his overnight toiletry bag intact down to the 23 dollars that were in his wallet secure in my top drawer.

Fast forward to Wednesday -his blood pressure skyrocketed only a little over four days since I started this nightmare with him.  I firmly believe that someone overdosed him on meds and his subsequent rapid decline was due to that.  

They ran every test they could to look for viruses etc that might cause his pain, and now by Wednesday his organs began to struggle.

When I sought the doc out to discuss my dads blood pressure he decided to move him to ICU due to his condition worsening and my crazed screaming about 'no one watching him"

They wheeled him up to icu where the next 24 hours were a blurr. The doctors telling me to call my brother in from San Diego because he wasn't going to make it.  I remember dialing that phone and my brothers burdened conscious being audible over the phone, I did not feel less alone for it. It was my dad and I like our life had played out and it seems would so until the very end.

On Friday afternoon I brought the kids to the icu. My dad was no longer lucid. But I knew it was more than the medications and the 24x7 environment of intensive care. It was my dad teetering somewhere between this world and the next.

I told the kids who were as close to him as they were to each other that grandpa was very sick and needed us. I didn't know if he would be alright but we should visit him and tell him how we feel incase we couldn't do it later.  They were 8 and 9 at the time. He had been their caretaker often while I worked since they started school.

The whole day before I brought them up they colored pictures for him and posters that said "I wuv u" while he was back at the hospital building something.  I knew his hand gestures as well as my own and he was moving his hands like when he was on a job site giving direction and showing measurements.  It worried me that the kids would be freaked out but there was no time to wait, they had to see him I knew it might be the last night.

While they stood there next to their grandfather who had cared for them and always stood for love and strength and stability; he could no longer hear them or see them - he was in his own world now.

When I took the kids out of the room my son paused and held my hand tight, he could sense that the pain was overwhelming me. "Mom, grandpa is building a staircase. I watched him and that is what he was explaining to the angels.  He is building a big oak staircase to heaven"

And he was right.

During the night sometime around 3 am they staff came and got me from the waiting room where I had set up my camp.  I ran to his bed in the ICU and since he had a DNR I knew there would be no reprieve.  I held his arm like a small child that was about to get lost in a crowd. I held on tight and cried "please don't leave me I need you" over and over until my voice was hoarse and the ICU staff was crying along with me.

He gave up the struggle at dawn.  I was nearly comatose myself and scarecly remember being taken to the room with the odd name "Details Room" This is where I was told when where and how to pick up my fathers body. It was sureal, and I was so out of it every blink took 5 minutes.

Today I don't mourn for losing him but rejoice for growing to accept that my loss was the beginning of the afterlife he believed in. The one where he would reunite with my mother, his parents and his siblings who had gone before him. It took so many years for me to accept his passing. To stop weeping and start rejoicing with him again.

It does happen, in the midst of the sorrow a seed has been planted for your recovery from grief- that seed is love. When you wake up on one spring day like this one for me, that seed will have taken off and showed its first bloom like a crocus does... it might be through the snow but it is still proof that the spring has arrived and so has the healing.

L

March . . .

Its March again. A tough month around my heart, so many powerful emotions to contend with. This one marks 10 years since my father passed away- I really am tip toeing around myself emotionally for fear that I might wake one of the double "D's". I try to let them sleep a perfect hibernation. Despair and Depression- they are like sharks swimming, ever present- just waiting for a drop of blood to hit the water. But I resist, after all there is no reason to give them cause to come around.

 Yet, I do want to acknowledge my memories of March. The good ones, the bad ones, the sad ones too. They are me and denying the sad ones would be as bad as denying the joyful ones- I won't do either. I gave birth to my first child in this month, I lost my father in this month, I married my late husband in this month and I was diagnosed with cancer in this month. People often say "I wouldn't change a thing" and we think surely they don't mean that literally, but as for me I really wouldn't. Not that I could- I believe that I am part of a bigger cosmic plan. It's from every tear of joy as well as sorrow felt that has cleared my vision to it's 20/20 that it is today. It's from the suffering that has made me truly appreciate the smallest detail in every moment. And its been in the loss of those that I have loved most dearly that makes me cherish my children, my family like I never could have if I had been spared the 'March' of years gone by.

 So for you dear friend who may be going through a difficult time right now remember that it is only early spring... the blooms of late summer are so sweet and fragrant you will remember why March had to be, as you enjoy the beauty of those joyful memories you captured or the hard lessons that you learned during winters thaw

... L