Plan A-Z came unexpectedly, improvised when I needed something to help the kids make sense of things beyond their control.
When Joe and Sophie were very little and I was going through divorce my kids had a tough time with my ex's inability to follow through or keep promises. There were missed visitations and missed calls and the kids needed help coping. On their fathers birthday they dressed up and had cards for him. He never showed up. He flew to Las Vegas with his new girlfriend. I was heartbroken for my 6 and 7 year old children who could not wrap their minds or hearts around such a thing. I found myself scrambling to ease this for them….that is the day Plan A through Z was born.
I explained Plan A-Z like this:
The best thing to do in life is to have several plans made, in the order you will try them but to avoid disappointment….remember one is not better than the other they are just different from each other.
The kids adapted to this way of thinking and it eased them right away…my children saw the whole world and every activity as a plan a-z opportunity.
I needed that more than they did but didn't know it at that moment. I grew up thinking there was a right way and a wrong way. Every time I fell short of the plan I made for myself I knew that I'd missed the mark and therefore I had failed.
Most of us live that way, and when we do make contingent plans we view them as sublevel to the original so failure is what we feel. We live with a lot of disappointment this way.
A couple of years ago I was struggling with an aspect of my life that caused me great frustration. I remember crying in my room when my oldest son came in and found me upset and sitting alone. I always tried not to let them see me meltdown because it might frighten them. But it was too late he came in and sat next to me and said "mom, I think you have to let go of plan A and go on to Plan B.
It was so clear. I had been teaching my kids about that for years but had never really lived it myself. But soon I realized that it was a way of life, a way to teach stress management to them, a way to keep their mind open.
We spend too much time entrenched in our original vision of what life should be. What we will be, who we will marry, if we will have kids, and what age all of those things will happen….we're programmed to think in that scarcity mentality. Have you ever noticed how 'disappointed' someone gets if a movie is sold out?
Who knew that as my life went on I would come to need this theory of Plan A through Z to survive! A few short years later I was widowed as well as had a subsequent stroke that left me unable to work. I had been so blessed with success in my career and found true peace in moving on to plan B. I don't look back and mourn I look forward and rally for the next opportunity in line. I'll tell you a secret, I may omit plan A from now on it just doesn't have much staying power. How would you ever know the beauty of Plan D or G or I if you got stuck on A?
Yesterday I woke up to a severe migraine- the kind that makes you unable to sit upright and causes you to puke unceremoniously every time you even smell coffee. Yes it was my birthday and although it was pretty crummy to feel so ill I was not going to die - it would pass in a few hours and I wasn't saddened by it 'ruining my day'
I received many well wishes from my friends and a family that I have been so fortunate in finding once again! I'm pretty damn lucky with living in such a spectacular house with kids who are clean and sober and doing well in school. Life is so good, why would I be bummed about a migraine on my birthday? Plan A didn't work out will move on to B. I am pleased with the clarity in my life, the people here to share it with and the chance to enjoy the time with them.
I am older yes but newly born into a better life. Today I am 1 and I have the whole rest of my life to look forward to... and although my birthday was yesterday - its just as special today to read your kind words and not to have my headache.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
First Born
It finally came. Joseph Patricks 18th birthday plopped on me like a lead balloon this morning when I opened my eyes. Yes, I have other things weighing my spirit down so I spent the morning examining the reasons why I couldn't get up until nearly noon. After all I've raised a beautiful, thoughtful intelligent man. I should be doing cartwheels...
I laid in my beagle filled bed and thought and cried and pulled out my memories stored in my mind where each image kept was individually wrapped in tissue paper that's soft from being used over and over again. They're old and delicate so I didn't rush...
I remembered his tiny body that fit on a pillow when I brought him home from the hospital, how laying next to him reminded me of flannel, of sleep and of warm milk. I remember his hugs that have never changed except for that they no longer are given by a little boy but a tall man. Still lingering still genuine still with the soul of my first born and the bond of my tiniest warrior that has seen the horrors of life's battles by my side.
Then amongst the crumpled up tissue paper it hit me that my tears weren't for the man he had become but the boy he had not been able to be. I have always called him my little man, I still do- even as he towers over me by a whole foot. Yet those words have been literal as he has had to step up to the plate for many years.
On this day I can tell him that I am happy that he is my child. He will always make me proud because his heart is true. Be free Joe, this life can be beautiful- today I give you that which I never thought I could do before.
I laid in my beagle filled bed and thought and cried and pulled out my memories stored in my mind where each image kept was individually wrapped in tissue paper that's soft from being used over and over again. They're old and delicate so I didn't rush...
I remembered his tiny body that fit on a pillow when I brought him home from the hospital, how laying next to him reminded me of flannel, of sleep and of warm milk. I remember his hugs that have never changed except for that they no longer are given by a little boy but a tall man. Still lingering still genuine still with the soul of my first born and the bond of my tiniest warrior that has seen the horrors of life's battles by my side.
Then amongst the crumpled up tissue paper it hit me that my tears weren't for the man he had become but the boy he had not been able to be. I have always called him my little man, I still do- even as he towers over me by a whole foot. Yet those words have been literal as he has had to step up to the plate for many years.
On this day I can tell him that I am happy that he is my child. He will always make me proud because his heart is true. Be free Joe, this life can be beautiful- today I give you that which I never thought I could do before.
March 21
I read all of your heartfelt posts from my status yesterday... after I shared the news that the MRI had revealed cancer. Oddly enough March 21 is a tough day for me anyways, you could say a perfect emotional storm was brewing.
1- Joe Pat will be 18 in a few days and I'm pretty sure I was upset about that starting on his 4th birthday. Yet a peace had calmed that storm cloud with the thought that he has never been more stable and ironically more of a kid than right now in this space and time in our lives. So the stress from the impending outcome of this health scare has me really focused in on that serenity of his and of Sophie as well since they have climbed the highest peaks with me and shared the weight of our blessing Jack when noone else was their to help with him. Watching Joe be a kid has been like slurping the last of a favorite drink out of a straw this past few weeks...I just don't want it to end. Here in this beautiful home where he brings his buddies over and they all call me mom and he bonds with Kirk changing the oil in his car...
2- It was the anniversary of the passing of my father, which for those of you who know me well or have read my writings understand that for me the first day of spring will always be shrouded in a black velvet blanket that I will not put down because while it causes me to miss some of the sun it envelopes me in the softness and comfort of my memories of him. I miss him horribly still after all of these years - he was my best friend.
3- It was my father in laws birthday. He lives with us. I wanted it to be a lovely day with thought filled cards from the kids and a dinner at his favorite steakhouse. Which I was determined to do and dragged my sedated butt there because I did not want to miss out on his special day just to cry in my pillow.
So when I got the call I took the news with only hairline fractures starting to show in my voice I thought I was going to make it without falling apart...then one tear came through and like a dam that had been compromised I fell -literally to the ground and wept for my kids and what they would go through, for my husband for having fought for our country and now he would have to sit back and watch me take this enemy on myself.
...and then I cried for me because that is ok... we do so much crying for others and then deny ourselves that, apologize for that. Hell I survived losing both parents, a spouse, having stroke I have earned a few tears for myself.
In the end I did get up brushed myself off, celebrated a birthday and managed to read everyones well wishes last night and today I've sobbed a little less and turned to my 'air' which is words.
It feels like spring today and the breeze feels like life - take in a deep breath with me my friends...
1- Joe Pat will be 18 in a few days and I'm pretty sure I was upset about that starting on his 4th birthday. Yet a peace had calmed that storm cloud with the thought that he has never been more stable and ironically more of a kid than right now in this space and time in our lives. So the stress from the impending outcome of this health scare has me really focused in on that serenity of his and of Sophie as well since they have climbed the highest peaks with me and shared the weight of our blessing Jack when noone else was their to help with him. Watching Joe be a kid has been like slurping the last of a favorite drink out of a straw this past few weeks...I just don't want it to end. Here in this beautiful home where he brings his buddies over and they all call me mom and he bonds with Kirk changing the oil in his car...
2- It was the anniversary of the passing of my father, which for those of you who know me well or have read my writings understand that for me the first day of spring will always be shrouded in a black velvet blanket that I will not put down because while it causes me to miss some of the sun it envelopes me in the softness and comfort of my memories of him. I miss him horribly still after all of these years - he was my best friend.
3- It was my father in laws birthday. He lives with us. I wanted it to be a lovely day with thought filled cards from the kids and a dinner at his favorite steakhouse. Which I was determined to do and dragged my sedated butt there because I did not want to miss out on his special day just to cry in my pillow.
So when I got the call I took the news with only hairline fractures starting to show in my voice I thought I was going to make it without falling apart...then one tear came through and like a dam that had been compromised I fell -literally to the ground and wept for my kids and what they would go through, for my husband for having fought for our country and now he would have to sit back and watch me take this enemy on myself.
...and then I cried for me because that is ok... we do so much crying for others and then deny ourselves that, apologize for that. Hell I survived losing both parents, a spouse, having stroke I have earned a few tears for myself.
In the end I did get up brushed myself off, celebrated a birthday and managed to read everyones well wishes last night and today I've sobbed a little less and turned to my 'air' which is words.
It feels like spring today and the breeze feels like life - take in a deep breath with me my friends...
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Valentine Love
There have been many kinds of love in my life…all have had a purpose but only a few are everlasting…transcending time, events and even death
That is not what is typically celebrated on Valentines Day…this day is reserved for love of the most fleeting kind- Valentine Love. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that in our lives -- it is the love we most fondly remember, the love we search for in our youth and of course we can't forget it is also the love that can turn us bitter the quickest.
The first Valentine Love I had was Pete, I was 13. I quickly discovered that that loving someone was difficult, time consuming, and painful. It was a love that i would come to realize wasn’t really that at all
This was a confusing kind of love
The first Valentine Love as an adult was JP; I was irrational and impetuous with him. This union left a lasting mark on my heart. Relationships that are forged in such a quick burning way often burn out as quickly .
This was the love I’ve looked at through rose colored glasses
The first time I fell in love with a dog was Henry. I hadn't had children yet so I didn't have an understanding of maternal love but even so, I was experiencing it with the little ball of black fur. He relied on me to protect him, to feed him, to guide him and in return there was an endless amount of love, respect, and affection coming back at me! I couldn't ask for anything more than that - if more people realized the capacity of an animal to give that to us we would surely celebrate Dog Day over Valentines Day. When I lost Henry, the love didn't fade at all. It is as vibrant today as the day I fell in love with him so many years ago.
This was a love to be addicted to
The first time I fell in love as a mother I was pregnant with my oldest. I was surprised by the relationship that I had with this child I had not yet met- I fiercely protected my unborn baby with every choice that I made during that time. When I held him the first time, and he looked in my eyes I knew that this sort of love was immeasurable and would not be extinguished for all of the problems that this child and I may face together or in each other…I would love him for always. Twice more I would be blessed this way.
This is a love that gives me life each day
Then there is the love of my father; a love given to me unconditionally, imperfectly and unlimitedly. He was my biggest critic and my biggest fan. I loved him more as the years progressed, because I knew that I would lose him in the end…my emotions aged and grew deeper with each passing year. My patience, tolerance and forgiveness were well sharpened with this love. .
This is a love important enough to teach my children about
I see now that there is no limit of places in the heart…I can love over and over and over and there will always be room for one more. I am so grateful of that.
Finally the love of a soul mate, it will be strong and beautiful. It will stand up to the constant beating of the the daily surf. This love will look out at kids, animals, and the rest of the world and feel pleased that it is not gazing at that vision alone - there will be nothing more satisfying than intertwining my hand with a best friend and lover, sharing a common view of our horizon.
Valentine Love is not much when compared to the other loves possible in our life which have given me a legacy to pass on to those I care most about....
Enjoy all the loves of your life whatever they may be!
That is not what is typically celebrated on Valentines Day…this day is reserved for love of the most fleeting kind- Valentine Love. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for that in our lives -- it is the love we most fondly remember, the love we search for in our youth and of course we can't forget it is also the love that can turn us bitter the quickest.
The first Valentine Love I had was Pete, I was 13. I quickly discovered that that loving someone was difficult, time consuming, and painful. It was a love that i would come to realize wasn’t really that at all
This was a confusing kind of love
The first Valentine Love as an adult was JP; I was irrational and impetuous with him. This union left a lasting mark on my heart. Relationships that are forged in such a quick burning way often burn out as quickly .
This was the love I’ve looked at through rose colored glasses
The first time I fell in love with a dog was Henry. I hadn't had children yet so I didn't have an understanding of maternal love but even so, I was experiencing it with the little ball of black fur. He relied on me to protect him, to feed him, to guide him and in return there was an endless amount of love, respect, and affection coming back at me! I couldn't ask for anything more than that - if more people realized the capacity of an animal to give that to us we would surely celebrate Dog Day over Valentines Day. When I lost Henry, the love didn't fade at all. It is as vibrant today as the day I fell in love with him so many years ago.
This was a love to be addicted to
The first time I fell in love as a mother I was pregnant with my oldest. I was surprised by the relationship that I had with this child I had not yet met- I fiercely protected my unborn baby with every choice that I made during that time. When I held him the first time, and he looked in my eyes I knew that this sort of love was immeasurable and would not be extinguished for all of the problems that this child and I may face together or in each other…I would love him for always. Twice more I would be blessed this way.
This is a love that gives me life each day
Then there is the love of my father; a love given to me unconditionally, imperfectly and unlimitedly. He was my biggest critic and my biggest fan. I loved him more as the years progressed, because I knew that I would lose him in the end…my emotions aged and grew deeper with each passing year. My patience, tolerance and forgiveness were well sharpened with this love. .
This is a love important enough to teach my children about
I see now that there is no limit of places in the heart…I can love over and over and over and there will always be room for one more. I am so grateful of that.
Finally the love of a soul mate, it will be strong and beautiful. It will stand up to the constant beating of the the daily surf. This love will look out at kids, animals, and the rest of the world and feel pleased that it is not gazing at that vision alone - there will be nothing more satisfying than intertwining my hand with a best friend and lover, sharing a common view of our horizon.
Valentine Love is not much when compared to the other loves possible in our life which have given me a legacy to pass on to those I care most about....
Enjoy all the loves of your life whatever they may be!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)