The last couple of weeks have been infused with too much emotion. I'm talking about the real life of being a mom to my beautiful kids and a cancer patient has finally converged and I think some days it's going to make my heart and soul catch on fire for being on overdrive.
Joe and Sophie are seniors. Need I say more? I really don't want this to happen- I've been joking with them for years but the reality is I never wanted our time together in my home to end and here we are on the final stretch. Them in a sprint laughing and nervous but ultimately excited for their life to begin. And me (now hobbled) trying to keep up with them on their this final school year saying "don't go too fast you'll miss this so much some day". On the good days when I feel up to it I go up to their rooms and make their beds and do some laundry. Like a junkie trying to get a last hit before going to rehab. Most days I haven't been able to keep up with our own laundry and they have been doing theirs for several years anyways. But right now it brings me back to a moment in time when it was part of my day and folding Joes jeans could be done sitting down...
Jack is going to suffer just like me I'm afraid. His sense of loss is heightened because of having witnessed his fathers death when he was four. The four of us have never been separated and Joe and Sophie were like his mini mom and dad in my absence. He will grieve losing their constant company especially at bedtime when that floor in this big house will be empty except for him.
Yesterday was my first radiation treatment and regardless of my physical or emotional reaction to it we had Sophies Golf Banquet last night which was paramount. So I found myself taking a much needed nap of several hours so I could truly take it all in... which I did. She is so talented and well liked yet understated. Her quirky side comes out in subtle ways though- her team photo and her individual one was awesome- I'll have to try and scan one in later she never disappoints me with that sense of humor that makes me chuckle yet proud to claim her! She lettered twice! Go Sophie! One strong young lady almost ready to go out and conquer the world.
Joe Pat has his senior recognition for band at the football game tonight. I am really looking forward to that as well. As part of evening we were asked to make a poster board representing our band member that will hang at the school stadium. I made it. There I was in my closet (remember its huge) laughing by myself as I put the pictures together and added funny captions. I made it with so much love -- with a right hand that only works at 70% and all my fingertips numb from chemo I was like a 3 year old with the scissors! But no matter I had fun and I know that he will know that my love was in it and our inside jokes will remind him always of the relationship we have.
So here I am writing a scattered note to all of you today. I have 2 radiation treatments down and 31 to go. I was hoping this was going to be easier but after so many months fighting cancer my stamina is failing me... stayed tuned I'll get my thoughts gathered and update everyone when I pull it together. For right now I'm riding on a dangerous mix of chemo, radiation, months of exhaustive thoughts and sadness over losing my oldest to two to the world. I think love and my hope for their future will win over all of the other thinking..
When you let a positive emotion pull you there is so much more momentum in that movement than in the passive one of letting the negative slide you down.
Heave Ho- everyone is going to have to pull!
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