Normal

Today I went to my second chemo today. My good friend Barb accompanied me and it was such a strange yet comforting feeling... A bizarre girls day out.

We walk in, I weigh in - I cringe, where normally I would take any piece of clothing off to make the number smaller I found myself doing the opposite today. Jean jacket on, shoes on, hell I would have kept the purse on my shoulder if I could have gotten away with it. Number smaller than I've seen it in 20 years. Cancer the best diet... who wants to market that one?

Next blood drawn from my cyborg port...

On to see the doctor, which I really like. You'd think I'd have a strong aversion to a man who routinely sticks me in the chest with poison but I not Dr B he is truly a healer and I thank God that I believe in him. 

He looks at my blood count and says, "the nuelasta shots are doing their job your numbers look normal. So far so good."

Barb from the corner says, "yay! You got a plaid lunchbox" I got a good belly laugh.

Plaid lunchbox?

When I was growing up I was the only child at school with long black curly hair and the only bilingual one. But I wanted to be blond with straight hair and carry a plaid lunch box. Obviously that was one thing that I could ask for so I did. My dad, always thinking that unique was best came home and handed me a pink vinyl lunch box that was oval and had a black poodle on it.  At the time I thought it was a major "fail"!  Of course we know how that story went... I grew up to be a risk taker and a strong woman in business and in my personal life so I thank him for teaching me to be proud of taking roads less followed - I have tried to pass that on to my kids.

But every now in then it sure is nice to get that plain lunch box I wanted.

I've got my nuelasta shot tomorrow and then probably bed bound until the weekend.  Thanks for keeping up with my journey on this daisy path! 

Oak trees and daisies

My feelings on getting breast cancer are so complex, they have been brewing since my own mom was diagnosed decades ago. Over the years as I was raised around this disease my outlook on faith, fate and future grew a bit crooked like a tender sapling without support. Talking was not something that was done, communication meant something very different then it does now.

When I was very young I lived life like there was no tomorrow because of having grown up around breast cancer and multiple recurrences... My number was next in my mind. Always knowing that I too would fall victim to this disease but unlike my mother I would not hang on straining an entire families resources only to end up breaking our hearts. In the end collectively we hurt and sobbed and yet could not will her breaths to keep them coming. Slowly they stopped and just as slowly we let go of that time which had been in suspended animation and walked into the world and tried to live our lives.

I kept her busy as my guardian angel tempting fate at every turn, after all I had already looked through the crystal ball of time and seen my death.

The years went on and my children came, with them my healthy life affirming attitude did to. I developed a natural fear of death for the first time... I had I purpose for my existence and I would not leave these gifts from God, so I made peace with with Him.

Life seems to have kicked me at every chance, good thing that I have had extra strong shins. But honestly I thought losing a husband and having a stroke was penance for anything I might yet owe. But we don't set the penance or the fines life charges... We just comply.

Well here I am betrayed by my body with a cancer I inherited before I was born. Yet I'm straining my brain to recall the moment when I earned it... I struggle because the images I have are of my moms experience which was so long ago and painful yet some are as if they happened yesterday. I can hear my father breaking the news of the first tumor my mom had to my brother and me when we where just small kids. Then the three of us kneeled by the window and prayed that the lumps in her body would go away. I prayed hard, closed my eyes and believed.

My dad always said that a sapling without support will grow crooked and may not be as strong. True. But dad this tree grew in spite of that. While my parents were waging war on cancer I blew in the wind and got twisted up in spots but my will to reach the sky was strong.

My will is stronger than ever...

And my kids? I have constant vigil on staking their still growing impressionable minds firmly to solid ground. This might be a short storm or a long one but they will be held down firmly. They will never sway unwatched...

This week is chemo free, my next treatment is one week from tomorrow. This process is cumulative so if last week kept me down for 6 days next time may be more brutal send prayers or good wishes - you know God turns them into daisies by the road...

Thank you for all the daisies so far, I hear they're coming up everywhere!

Daisies...

This day is the first of two important ones regarding my prognosis. I have an appointment with my breast surgeon this afternoon to discuss the final pathology report from the surgery. We got a pretty complete picture from the info I've already posted but it isn't complete. We will hear the rest today. Plus we get to ask questions on how I'm healing, pain management which has been a big issue and physical therapy for the arm whose nodes where removed. Currently mobility in that arm is a little less than shoulder height and then it feels like my nerves are sewn too tight to reach any higher. The vibrant purple and reds and blues of last week have given way to a more muted palette of greens, yellows and eggplant Across my chest... 

Yesterday I had the last of many scans order by my oncologist such as my abdomen, lungs, liver, pelvis and the grandaddy of torture the MUGA scan of the heart. Which is basically an ultra scan of the different chambers of my heart since one of the chemos I will be on may cause congestive heart failure... This gem of a test consisted of a tech pushing (hard) on my exact spot of the surgical area for an hour. I was so grateful to be done with that before passing out I just imagined fields of daisies... That's my happy place I go to when I can't bare what's happening.

I've been walking through lots and lots of fields of daisies lately.

Joes NYC trip was everything we hoped it would be for him, so glad he got to enjoy it with out much worry. I was able to see his last concert of the school year it was an effort but I didn't go to the daisies not even once... I was too busy being the proudest mom there listening to every note.

Sophie, my heart, buzzed her hair off last weekend. She looks gorgeous- seriously stunning. And her reason for doing it to support me makes it beautiful inside and out. I couldn't be more proud!

My tiny Jack was happy to have my drain tubes all removed so he can give me proper hugs again even if they have to be gentle. Poor guy, he is home today with a fever :(  I dread the chemo days when I won't be the one to take care of him if he gets sick because my immune system will be compromised. But today... I can still baby my baby the best I can!

It's my Aunt Lourdes' birthday today! She has come here to help us and has gotten up with me at all hours to give my husband a break Give me my 2 am pain meds, ice packs, cook for my small army and give us general cheer... As she never comes down to have her coffee without looking like a million bucks. I keep hoping this trait will rub off on me but it's still "basic and too big" is the style of the day for me.

And Kirk, what can I say about such a great partner, husband and truest friend I have ever had. He has seen me at my most vulnerable, allowed me to speak of my death when I needed to and that first 10 days helped bathe me, change my dressings, carried me, let me cry and let my darkest of wit be my sword against the pain. He knows the location of the field of daisies that I go to and like my most loyal soldier will always protect me when I am there because he knows he cannot protect me from what is happening to me here.

Oh and we can't forget mentioning that today is the anniversary of my father in laws miracle last year. It has been one year exactly since his heart stopped and first responders revived him and his wonderful medical staff where guided by a higher power to wake him up and let him come home to us! We shouldn't forget to say thank you for gifts given to us even if time has passed... Those count the most.

I'll let everyone know how today and Monday go. Hopeful there will be nothing but positive news!

Thank you all for everything you have shared with my family!