This morning I had my final appointment with my Plastic Surgeon before my surgery next Tuesday. His office is a bright place and I wish that my spirits were higher and i could enjoy the perkiness a bit more.
It was a pre-op meeting- the nurse gave me a handful of prescriptions for after i get home ( antibiotics, anti-nausea, pain, muscle relaxers), and went over wound care. I was trying to stay focused even though both my aunt and Kirk were there and I was sure that between my half mind their full attention and the oodles of handouts we could probably suture someone ourselves after that meeting.
But my mind kept wandering back to the year my mom was first diagnosed in the mid 70's. They didn't do the beautiful reconstruction surgeries directly after mastectomies that they do now. They surely didn't offer such surgeries let alone require by law that insurance cover them. Her mastectomy scars were diagonal and around 10 inches, one for each side. Back then they took everything, I mean e v e r y thing, down to the ribs. Very barbaric and while I don't recall the series of tests leading to her surgery I do know the times where sorely lacking in diagnostic tools. With the first breast she was told that they would biopsy the tumor while
she was under and if it was benign she would have a handful of stitches if not radical
mastectomy. It would be the first of 10 long hard fought years against a recurring beast in
her body that finally took her my 17th year...
My wandering mind was well concealed I think no one noticed. Soon it was time to leave and it was only until I was trying to buy supplies at Walgreens and couldn't remember anything that
it became apparent to me how long I had checked out to relive the beginning of what is now my own nightmare.
I am the daughter and also the grand daughter of breast cancer victims. My grandmother died a
painful death without hope, my mother a long marathon fight and tried everything. I
will not let their valiant efforts be in vain or the many, many others who have suffered from
this horrible disease since then.
These are my thoughts today on the women that had the early surgergies and experienced chemo in its infancy and they will continue to be what moves my arms and legs to do what needs to be done each and every scary step though this...
Monday, April 11, 2011
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Nightmare or reality?
Yesterdays appointment with my oncologist was like a nightmare that is so real that the line between reality and dreaming is blurred.
It was my first meeting with this doctor and fortunately he was everything that i would want in this situation; caring and patient and he gave off an aura of knowledge. Perhaps it was his thick white hair or the way he took the time to draw a rudimentary graph on how my treatment is supposed to work that reminded me of my fathers patience with me when I began to look puzzled at his explanation. In any case I kept it together, I took notes and eventually headed back to my car with confidence in this man and swimming in information.
He talked about the sub-type of cancer that i have- triple negative. This is and will continue being the biggest fear factor of my oddessy. I have read numerous articles much information on this and felt well prepared for this meeting. Yet I was floating above myself watching as he spoke
to me and I fiddled with the corners of my shirt. He said 40 to 50% recurrence rate... Lungs... Bones... Spine... and my ears started to ring I felt nauseated for a moment like I might pass out. It wasn't that I hadnt seen those numbers before but I was listening to them being spoken to me for the first time. It was a bit shocking to say the least and it sucked all of the oxygen out of the room.
Depending on my recovery from surgery my first chemo should be mid May. I will be doing 8 weeks of dose dense which means less recovery for the cancer to grow between treatments and unfortunately less recovery for my body too. This, followed by 12 weeks of a more standard dosing regimen. I have 20 weeks to slay this monster within me.
I scarcely remember the two hours following the appointment. I can tell you that if you allow it your mind it will grab ahold of you and rape your spirit like a stranger in an alley. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed thinking of my funeral. Wow. Never again! I will stay in well lit areas or with someone at vulnerable times like that.
Cancer has my body held hostage at the moment I AM NOT HANDING OVER MY SPIRIT TOO.
It was my first meeting with this doctor and fortunately he was everything that i would want in this situation; caring and patient and he gave off an aura of knowledge. Perhaps it was his thick white hair or the way he took the time to draw a rudimentary graph on how my treatment is supposed to work that reminded me of my fathers patience with me when I began to look puzzled at his explanation. In any case I kept it together, I took notes and eventually headed back to my car with confidence in this man and swimming in information.
He talked about the sub-type of cancer that i have- triple negative. This is and will continue being the biggest fear factor of my oddessy. I have read numerous articles much information on this and felt well prepared for this meeting. Yet I was floating above myself watching as he spoke
to me and I fiddled with the corners of my shirt. He said 40 to 50% recurrence rate... Lungs... Bones... Spine... and my ears started to ring I felt nauseated for a moment like I might pass out. It wasn't that I hadnt seen those numbers before but I was listening to them being spoken to me for the first time. It was a bit shocking to say the least and it sucked all of the oxygen out of the room.
Depending on my recovery from surgery my first chemo should be mid May. I will be doing 8 weeks of dose dense which means less recovery for the cancer to grow between treatments and unfortunately less recovery for my body too. This, followed by 12 weeks of a more standard dosing regimen. I have 20 weeks to slay this monster within me.
I scarcely remember the two hours following the appointment. I can tell you that if you allow it your mind it will grab ahold of you and rape your spirit like a stranger in an alley. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed thinking of my funeral. Wow. Never again! I will stay in well lit areas or with someone at vulnerable times like that.
Cancer has my body held hostage at the moment I AM NOT HANDING OVER MY SPIRIT TOO.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Fighting for a passing grade
I was really looking forward to a beautiful spring in our new house, a trip to New York for our first anniversary and then summer with the kids by the pool...Then on March 7th, 2011 I woke up early and something told me that there was a reason to check my breast, I didn't have any pain- I had just had my yearly exam a month earlier but it's like someone whispered in my ear "check it." I did, and promptly woke Kirk up. There was a lump the size of a cherry in my left breast! So undeniable, so startling that even my tough husband had a tear in his eye in the soft light of dawn. We knew. I called my doctor that day.
On March 21 we received the call that would confirm our darkest fears. I had been diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, it is a grade II and triple negative for hormone receptors. I will need double mastectomy and have decided to have immediate reconstruction so I will be in the operating room roughly 6 hours.
Many tears later, many silent moments and sleepless nights- weeks have gone by and we have by necessity have been thrown into a sort of information overload as if our final thesis is due an yet we had never heard of the material before.
Kirk and I had a very poignant talk about what what "fighting against cancer" looks like.
It's not always positive cheerleader behavior. No, more often than not it's quiet tears of pain or fear but sure from your gut resolve telling any number of health professionals that they may proceed with a test or a procedure in spite of the discomforts or scars. It's knowing that what you are agreeing to will change you but may very well save you, that to me is fighting for your life. So without fanfare, without a pink boa around my neck (although I may get one!) I spent the morning making many calls to my now growing number of doctors.
My new surgery date is April 19th
I have my first oncology appt is this Fri which is now more important than ever since the type of cancer (triple negative) is less common, more aggressive, not treatable with hormone medications and has twice the recurrence rate as other types. They have to hit it with the nastiest chemo... And that's where this conversation started. I have been profoundly sad because of this latest news...
so my husband seeing me so beaten down said," we are just getting started you have to fight"
I am fighting! even though sometimes it will be sadly it will be boldly too! maybe quietly but in my heart I am roaring with my will to survive this. I have no doubt that while I have been given not only cancer but a particularly challenging one...It has no idea who it's up against.
On March 21 we received the call that would confirm our darkest fears. I had been diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, it is a grade II and triple negative for hormone receptors. I will need double mastectomy and have decided to have immediate reconstruction so I will be in the operating room roughly 6 hours.
Many tears later, many silent moments and sleepless nights- weeks have gone by and we have by necessity have been thrown into a sort of information overload as if our final thesis is due an yet we had never heard of the material before.
Kirk and I had a very poignant talk about what what "fighting against cancer" looks like.
It's not always positive cheerleader behavior. No, more often than not it's quiet tears of pain or fear but sure from your gut resolve telling any number of health professionals that they may proceed with a test or a procedure in spite of the discomforts or scars. It's knowing that what you are agreeing to will change you but may very well save you, that to me is fighting for your life. So without fanfare, without a pink boa around my neck (although I may get one!) I spent the morning making many calls to my now growing number of doctors.
My new surgery date is April 19th
I have my first oncology appt is this Fri which is now more important than ever since the type of cancer (triple negative) is less common, more aggressive, not treatable with hormone medications and has twice the recurrence rate as other types. They have to hit it with the nastiest chemo... And that's where this conversation started. I have been profoundly sad because of this latest news...
so my husband seeing me so beaten down said," we are just getting started you have to fight"
I am fighting! even though sometimes it will be sadly it will be boldly too! maybe quietly but in my heart I am roaring with my will to survive this. I have no doubt that while I have been given not only cancer but a particularly challenging one...It has no idea who it's up against.
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