Twelve Springs without Dad

It was 12 years ago that you left your earthly body and joined my mom in heaven.

I’ve made peace with your absence daddy, although occasionally I go to pick up the phone and call you about something… yes I still do that even now.  What really helps on the days like this one, is that now I can see from your vantagepoint.  How beautiful and terrifying it is to be a parent of adult children.  I want to thank you for loving me, accepting me and helping me with whatever I needed, always and without question.  I clearly see the difference between your judgement and your fear for my well being. You, had an endless capacity to accept my shortcomings inspite of myself.  I understand how your lifes errors reappeared as nightmares coming to life in my choices and the consequences from them.  But I am renewed by the thought that pride for a childs triumphs far outweigh the disappointment from their failures.

I also see Gods logic for your untimely departure.  It was mercy at your feet even though neither of us knew it.  How painful it would have been for you to live through my stroke and cancer.  Either of those events would have put your life in jeopardy from the heartache alone.  I see how when I left home - the real fear began for you as my father.  You did a glorious job though,  parenting me and I am filled with gratitude that you joined me here for so many years.  

You were a complex personality dad, with many strong aspects of yourself taking over during different periods of your life.  In your youth you struggled with the ability to let go of anger, a bit stubborn and quick tempered.  Oh but what a beautiful Monarch you came to be with unbounded love, mercy and compassion and the endless capacity to adapt to the ever changing world around you.  I soaked it all up, like a thirsty sponge not even realizing that it was the best of you that took hold within me, the rest burning off like a morning fog.

These characteristics are your legacy in me, with our follies having no bearing any longer. My children are loved without measure, forgiven, accepted and free to be themselves, all of that directly from you, through me and now resting with them to pass on someday.

I love you, I will always miss you , I will see you again my sweetest papi.