Diving off the high dive...

I always wanted to do a swan dive off the high dive.

My brother and I both have been strong swimmers since birth, we both swam on the swim team and ... Oh yes... HE would dive off of anything.  Every summer I would vow to myself that this would be the one I would do it- dive from the high dive. I would stand in the hot summer sun with copper tone surrounding me in the long line of kids waiting my turn. Each year I got a little less apprehensive about the height but still struggled when I was at the top with the idea of going head first. The pressure of the line of kids below, the knowledge of the pain of the water on my body every time I chickened out and jumped instead, unprepared I slammed my skinny tan body.

I could envision what I wanted my body to do but I never had the really believed enough to just dive head first arms outstretched into the coolness of the pool water.

Until today.... Kind of.

Today I walked into the infusion room at the cancer institute that is treating me and I took
that swan dive. I walked up each one of those wet concrete steps from my faded memory and
marked the last the of the first half of my chemo and from what I understand most toxic half.
It was a huge milestone! Unfortunately I won't feel the warmth of the edge of that pool for 6
or 7 days as even now I'm struggling to write because the headache and nausea. But I will make
it without a doubt.

Celebrate with me and do something you've always wanted but were afraid to. I may not have
been as graceful as in my minds eye but I went head first off a scary precipice and lived to
tell about it.

We all can do so much that seems impossible if we just believe in ourselves... I'm off to taxol for 12 weeks- I can do that too- bring it on!

Water

This was the toughest week so far. I can't say it will be the hardest, there are way too many treatments left.



It's Friday afternoon, I essentially lost 4 days fully conscience watching the clock waiting for the hell to pass. I can't even begin to explain it, somewhere between being poisoned and starved to death, writhing in pain in my spine, femurs, sternum and scull. Nausea nausea nausea. I could taste metal and chemicals on my tongue.



My family rotated in and out of the room some sitting with me trying to distract me with stories others sharing you tube videos... My little one watching cartoons with me. I felt like a corpse at times my eyes half open.



Dr B is on top of making me comfortable through this process but you can only do so much of that before there is not much you can do but wait it out in your bunker. Stronger meds means more side effects more side effects is what we are trying to combat...you get the picture.



By last nite I was weak from not eating, but understanding that this is my fight, this is my war and even on the longest darkest nite I can muster up more strength because I know I am still winning.



I am well enough today to get up and around the first floor, write a little bit and look back at the past few days with a strange fascination that "I did it"....



One more round of this brutal  Adriamycin/Cytoxan



I've got to restock my mental and spiritual supplies this week nearly wiped them out and due to the nature of this regimen the next one is expected to be the hardest.



Am I afraid? Hell yes! This is no picnic, it worries me when drinking water becomes a challenge. But I have my eye on the prize, more time on this beautiful earth with my kids, friends and furries. What better motivation could I have.



Tonight I will enjoy a simple thing that I had taken for granted before... a drink of water. Maybe we have to be dismantled to our most basic before we can truly feel blessed from the smallest gift life has to give us?

Nails

Nails

I had quite the melt down today. Bigger and badder than after my surgery or after days of pulling my hair out until there was none left and seeing myself bald for the first time.



I hit some sort of invisible brick wall emotionally, it was shocking and I felt battered and embarrassed by it as I steadied myself after it happened in front of my loved ones I nearly hyperventilated.



What happened to my nerves of steel?



Today I just couldn't contain myself and it was the least of my tragic moments thus far on my cancer journey. I noticed that my nails are turning black a few days ago but today I started to look at the nail beds under my nail polish and could see the darkness seeping through the candy apple red... As my heart started to race I also noticed my toe nails were sore and the whole thing overwhelmed me.



I'm losing my nails...



There was no preparing for this hit, this wasn't supposed to happen until the taxol in July... Now what will I have to sacrifice to the cancer when it finds out that there are no nails to take then?! I've given all that it's asked for so far without question like a blackmailer with big goods on me it comes and demands what it will and I given it without question. My flesh? Ok. My hair? Take it all. Any sense of well being? You got it. My nails... Wait... I promised those for later...



My life? No!! I still say no. I'm tougher than this. Even with all I given I'm am tough as nails.



Just not today...