Its been quite a while since I've had the energy to share my thoughts. So much has been going on both physically and emotionally that I don't know where to start so like I always tell my kids, "start anywhere and all the pieces will come to mind and make sense." so here goes
I'm 24 of my 33 daily radiation treatments completed, its has been grueling as you know for so many months between surgeries, poisonous chemo and now burning radiation.
We leave for my appointments early in the morning during rush hour which reminds me of my life pre stroke when I had a fulfilling career. It seems like a lifetime ago but on November 7th we marked the 3rd anniversary of Alans passing. That in itself is such a difficult day. Also I believe it was the day that started my tumble down this rocky mountainside - with the stroke at his funeral and everything thus far. Every day when I make this drive to St Lukes I have my coffee in a travel mug and I remember that productive life and I grieve it, I drive into a neighborhood that I lived in when I was young and had my whole life ahead of me. Its a cruel twist of fate that the road to my healing is down a path of youthful memories. Perhaps God is trying to heal me through those thoughts.
In the middle of what's been a fatigue laden treatment of radiation I decided to visit my brother in San Diego. I felt compelled to go, I hadn't seen him for 6 years. We've had a strained relationship but my love for him is as big as when we were 5 and held hands for our christmas picture. So I got the ok from my oncology radiologist to miss a couple of days of treatment and the five of us made the flight from Kansas City to San Diego. Yes I over did it and probably shouldn't have gone. I was able to see and hug some of my dearest friends that I literally hadn't seen for over two decades... I cant think of better medicine. Life is too short and our relationships are the true gift while we are here on this earth.
A few days after returning from our trip my first radiation burn reared its ugly head. Wow. These things are no joke. For me It was situated under my arm and across my chest. There is no escaping this discomfort. My arm held up causes me pain due to the complication of the cording from my surgery my arm down feels like an acid burn. The most insidious feature of radiation burning is that it gets worse as the days go by, unlike a sunburn that improves.
Cancer has sucked for nearly 9 months - yes it has honed my patience, my tolerance for pain and my ability to keep my head above depression but I need to be done with this life lesson Lord. Please.
I had the BRCA genetics test and I came back positive. Which after a lengthy consult with my cancer team I made the decision to have a hysterectomy. BRCA 1+ like I am raises my chance of developing ovarian cancer by 85%, uterine cancer by 40%. Oh hell no! Im not doing this over again if I can help it, if they say your chances of getting cancer of the right foot are up by 85% I'd say take that too! Surgery is scheduled for this Friday Dec 2. Monday I continue with my radiation treatments.
Thanksgiving was a success, with one hand on my head. I couldn't have wished for a lovelier time with my family. Therefore I have decided...
Christmas will not be postponed!
