Sounds of the past... can we go back? should we?

For well over 25 years my touchstone has been Kansas City, its where all the best and worst choices of my life have been made, its where my children where brought into this world and where my father left it.

My favorite house I owned is here in this city, a cape cod built in the 1940’s.  It was a few blocks from my dads house in an old neighborhood with 60 ft oak trees towering over all of the little houses in Waldo (South KC).  

I remember the feel of those smooth old wood floors under my feet, even now, oak floors still make me feel at home and the view from the window over the kitchen sink- looked over the big back yard and the white porch swing that my dad hung from the giant tree next to the flagstone patio that we laid. 

He and I would take drinks and sit and swing while the kids ran around catching fireflies in the summer.  It was a beautiful time for me regardless of all the other junk that went on during that time period. I will always cherish those days as some of the best in my life. Grateful that some of these memories were spared after the stroke.

It took three years of hard work to get that house to the condition it was in by the time we could finally sit and just enjoy it.  Stripping the wallpaper, endless layers over the plaster walls had to be removed painstakingly room by room after work every night, after toddlers had gone to bed listening to zydeco music...   It was a busy time with a demanding job but worth the many sleepness nights.  

I was thinking about this house because I heard it might be for sale again.

Can we really go back and reclaim our past? Will it reject us? My neighbors have all gone, so there wont be the shared margaritas on the front stoop or fireworks out front with our families... and no dad to walk over from his yellow house down the street. would it really be the same?

I can close my eyes and hear the laughter of my kids and cicadas chirping like it was yesterday... Yet I can close my eyes and feel my long dark hair cascading down my back too which is also gone. 

I guess somethings are meant to be part of our foundation, some memories are strong enough to be those blocks.  For now I'll leave them right there... I've got a lot to do in my life right in the present-2 seniors to get graduated and off to their next step, a 2nd grader to keep on track to be a linebacker for the San Diego Chargers and 5 more Taxol treatments, radiation and Plastic Surgery. Plus Alice reminded me that she has not had a proper coronation.

Glad I am grounded in reality. ;) Cancer hasn't taken my sense of humor away... 

Let go of the anger...

Some time ago I forgave, I mean I really forgave some very hurtful soul destroying things that were done to me. By people and by a universe with a very sick sense of humor. There was nothing I actively did to get past the emotion - the anger left when I stopped feeding it and its place a calm enveloped me. I guess if you believe that there is a master plan to all of this, life was preparing me for all that it was going to fling at me.

Some people that know me ask me why I’m not more angry. Of course I have gotten sad during the events of the last few years but I’m not angry or bitter about them - that is astonishing. I cant seem to catch a break... I should be pretty pissed off about now but I’m not. Who would I aim my anger at? my body? God? the universe? lawyers? the system? its different for everything that has happened. I'm ok with not pointing fingers.

So I started thinking about writing this blog yesterday for a dear friend who is having a hard time. I was going over in my mind what to say to her and all I could think is that I honestly don’t see a purpose in anger. Especially about things that I have no control over. I figure I’m already going to have to contend with unpleasantness why would I first distract myself with rage or revenge or obsessively setting scenarios of what ifs. Instead I aim my energy at getting through it, I am going to need focus and stamina. I see other people around me who are filled with anger and frustration which spills into every aspect of their lives. They walk around exhausted by the turmoil in their hearts.

What if we use anger as a catalyst, something to create momentum to survive the bad in our lives? Wouldn’t life be different? We wouldn’t waste such a powerful force... not even on the tragic losses like deaths, divorce or other of lifes betrayals- let alone the insignificant irritants like traffic, long lines or people not returning calls. Life will continue to happen with or without our blessings on the outcome.  If we only stop being angry with fate and roll into it we will suffer less and enjoy the good so much more...  Come with me and try it- the calm I’m swimming in is the perfect temperature.

Deconstruction

I have been feeling so much better on the taxol, amazingly I have had equally challenging emotions as I've been getting stronger and coming out of the chemo fog. I look around and realize that we have been floating along alone for the most part on the stormy sea and it both scares and makes me proud of me and the kids.  We are strong and united.  I thank God for not wasting a moment of opportunity for self growth on this journey I continue to learn so much about human nature, as well as about my own strength and forgiveness.

My energy has rebounded to something I only vaguely remember from my pre diagnosis days so I feel like superman when in fact I am just cresting on a day with a bad cold. But ever so grateful for it. Gratitude. another thing I thought I had nothing left to learn about yet there is an endless sea of lessons for that as well. I hope and pray for each one of you that you feel gratitude deep in your hearts for something unexpected-a person or small act of kindness today- it is so rare and exquisite because we hesitate to tune out the noise to feel that level of detail in our lives. I highly recommend it.

So how am I looking? Well, there is so much work to be done to truly get ready for a day out now. I have lost my hair, more than 80% of my eyebrows and lashes and of course my body has changed. I am thin like in high school and have these smaller permanent perky boobs that my plastic surgeon has not finished working on yet. Which means they change in size... It's like I'm an interchangeable doll. I have to contend with make-up namely eye-brows- something I never did before and lashes something I still fight now... and hair on a record breaking summer of triple digit heat. give me a dew rag and bare face and its all good for me. But apparently this is not good for my self esteem so I take the time do do the work and then the time to rest from it. 

I dont mean to sound negative on anything here. I have mourned the losses as they've come. The temporary ones, the possible ones, the friends and family who failed us, the time lost and my sense of security that my body wont betray me anymore. I have come to terms with all of it. Occasionally  I still shed a few tears but at least I know why. Its all been a part of deconstructing my old self.

I love that my chemo is working which is what the strange bald face looking back at me in the mirror signifies. I love that Dr. D is working on my chest and that no matter what, in the end I will end up with cancer free breasts. You'd think it would be a given that my size 0/2 body would give me joy automatically but I've grown to love it for the fresh start that it is to only feed myself and my family healthy beautiful foods...yes a fresh start.

So deconstruction has been brutal but necessary and unmercifully slow. I am almost to that point in a remodel when you stop making your house look worse and you can really begin to enjoy the process of putting it back in order, making things lovely again.

Thank you friends for always being here...