Dear Body,

I wasn't always proud of you I wanted straight hair, a smaller nose and longer legs, always thinking you were too thin or too fat. But over the last 6 years we have been through so much you and I. We survived a massive stroke where you never let me down- having to learn how to walk for the second time was a challenge you accepted and triumphed over!

We battled breast cancer, which was scary. I never thought we'd get through losing so many parts of you in one year. And then the poison we took to kill it nearly killed us! but we got through that as well. Thank you for your strength! We lost our hair but gained confidence! I love and accept you for what you are these days-not what you were.

I am proud of us and I'm happy to have you - I'm so sorry for ever doubting you! You are beautiful!

Love, Laura

Thoughts from this soccer mom....

I have been a soccer mom for many years as my daughter played and now my youngest son. One of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable at games is the behavior of the parents. While I am the first to be cheering and supporting my son and I tend to shy away from the negativity because I do not want him to learn from that behavior.

Blaming the referee is pretty easy to do when often times they make mistakes. I'm not sure if it's lack of experience or lack of professionalism or simply a bad day. It doesn't matter really which it is because our kids are able to play because we have people in that role. We are not competing for the World Cup... yet. But by the nasty things that parents call those poor refs- many which are kids themselves well it just saddens me - you would think they have thousands of dollars riding on each game. I venture to say that the actual complaints filed with the league over the officiating of these games is very low. If someone is doing a crappy job, putting our kids in danger (as is often the complaint) it should be worth our time to complain to their bosses.

There are so many life lessons that are taught by having our kids participate in sports one of them should not be how to blame others. We need to teach them accountability. I can't tell you how many times I've overheard our kids talking about how they didn't win because the refs sucked. Is that honestly what we want our children to learn? how to pass the buck? yes I understand sometimes it is the refs fault or the other team is playing too aggressively but not every single time! sometimes it's just because we didn't play our best or the other team was just a little better. It's okay to lose and say "hey we need to work on our skills a little more so we can come back and beat that team the next time". Instead of always saying "we could've won if it wasn't for the stupid refs or the other team playing dirty."

Yesterday I was leaving the field and walked by the other team parents as they were yelling. The heckles were that our kids were going to kill theirs, that the refs were letting this happen and that our boys were faking injuries and flopping on the ground to create penalties. In absolute fairness I will say that is the exactly the same thing that some parents on our side say... In every single game! Those accusations are being hurled towards the general direction of the referees but within 3 or 4 feet of the children.

For any of you that know me personally I don't even have to say that I am the most protective mama bear there is. But I won't blame every little thing that's happening on the field on everyone else because that's not the case and I do not want my son to learn to that. The one game that I truly lost my temper I lost it at the coach on the other side because she was saying totally unacceptable things to her boys - encouraging them to hit. We reported her to the league.

I will continue to support my child, cheer for my child and correct any things that went wrong with his actions in the game. AS WELL AS PRAISE HIM and ENCOURAGE HIM.
We should say 1000 'good jobs' before we say even 1 'idiot referee".

Twelve Springs without Dad

It was 12 years ago that you left your earthly body and joined my mom in heaven.

I’ve made peace with your absence daddy, although occasionally I go to pick up the phone and call you about something… yes I still do that even now.  What really helps on the days like this one, is that now I can see from your vantagepoint.  How beautiful and terrifying it is to be a parent of adult children.  I want to thank you for loving me, accepting me and helping me with whatever I needed, always and without question.  I clearly see the difference between your judgement and your fear for my well being. You, had an endless capacity to accept my shortcomings inspite of myself.  I understand how your lifes errors reappeared as nightmares coming to life in my choices and the consequences from them.  But I am renewed by the thought that pride for a childs triumphs far outweigh the disappointment from their failures.

I also see Gods logic for your untimely departure.  It was mercy at your feet even though neither of us knew it.  How painful it would have been for you to live through my stroke and cancer.  Either of those events would have put your life in jeopardy from the heartache alone.  I see how when I left home - the real fear began for you as my father.  You did a glorious job though,  parenting me and I am filled with gratitude that you joined me here for so many years.  

You were a complex personality dad, with many strong aspects of yourself taking over during different periods of your life.  In your youth you struggled with the ability to let go of anger, a bit stubborn and quick tempered.  Oh but what a beautiful Monarch you came to be with unbounded love, mercy and compassion and the endless capacity to adapt to the ever changing world around you.  I soaked it all up, like a thirsty sponge not even realizing that it was the best of you that took hold within me, the rest burning off like a morning fog.

These characteristics are your legacy in me, with our follies having no bearing any longer. My children are loved without measure, forgiven, accepted and free to be themselves, all of that directly from you, through me and now resting with them to pass on someday.

I love you, I will always miss you , I will see you again my sweetest papi.

 

That night after you passed away I drove to your house and lay down on the floor, as if by getting closer to your house I would still feel your heart beating. When I heard silence I wept with utter despair. I could not imagine that someday I would have come this far from that pain, to this place where I can freely think of you and simply enjoy the memories of our life's adventure and what an adventure we had! Today I celebrate your birth dad, my old oak tree full of wisdom and strength. I raise my glass and toast to the legacy of your life which surrounds me always.