Dear Body,

I wasn't always proud of you I wanted straight hair, a smaller nose and longer legs, always thinking you were too thin or too fat. But over the last 6 years we have been through so much you and I. We survived a massive stroke where you never let me down- having to learn how to walk for the second time was a challenge you accepted and triumphed over!

We battled breast cancer, which was scary. I never thought we'd get through losing so many parts of you in one year. And then the poison we took to kill it nearly killed us! but we got through that as well. Thank you for your strength! We lost our hair but gained confidence! I love and accept you for what you are these days-not what you were.

I am proud of us and I'm happy to have you - I'm so sorry for ever doubting you! You are beautiful!

Love, Laura

Thoughts from this soccer mom....

I have been a soccer mom for many years as my daughter played and now my youngest son. One of the things that makes me the most uncomfortable at games is the behavior of the parents. While I am the first to be cheering and supporting my son and I tend to shy away from the negativity because I do not want him to learn from that behavior.

Blaming the referee is pretty easy to do when often times they make mistakes. I'm not sure if it's lack of experience or lack of professionalism or simply a bad day. It doesn't matter really which it is because our kids are able to play because we have people in that role. We are not competing for the World Cup... yet. But by the nasty things that parents call those poor refs- many which are kids themselves well it just saddens me - you would think they have thousands of dollars riding on each game. I venture to say that the actual complaints filed with the league over the officiating of these games is very low. If someone is doing a crappy job, putting our kids in danger (as is often the complaint) it should be worth our time to complain to their bosses.

There are so many life lessons that are taught by having our kids participate in sports one of them should not be how to blame others. We need to teach them accountability. I can't tell you how many times I've overheard our kids talking about how they didn't win because the refs sucked. Is that honestly what we want our children to learn? how to pass the buck? yes I understand sometimes it is the refs fault or the other team is playing too aggressively but not every single time! sometimes it's just because we didn't play our best or the other team was just a little better. It's okay to lose and say "hey we need to work on our skills a little more so we can come back and beat that team the next time". Instead of always saying "we could've won if it wasn't for the stupid refs or the other team playing dirty."

Yesterday I was leaving the field and walked by the other team parents as they were yelling. The heckles were that our kids were going to kill theirs, that the refs were letting this happen and that our boys were faking injuries and flopping on the ground to create penalties. In absolute fairness I will say that is the exactly the same thing that some parents on our side say... In every single game! Those accusations are being hurled towards the general direction of the referees but within 3 or 4 feet of the children.

For any of you that know me personally I don't even have to say that I am the most protective mama bear there is. But I won't blame every little thing that's happening on the field on everyone else because that's not the case and I do not want my son to learn to that. The one game that I truly lost my temper I lost it at the coach on the other side because she was saying totally unacceptable things to her boys - encouraging them to hit. We reported her to the league.

I will continue to support my child, cheer for my child and correct any things that went wrong with his actions in the game. AS WELL AS PRAISE HIM and ENCOURAGE HIM.
We should say 1000 'good jobs' before we say even 1 'idiot referee".

Twelve Springs without Dad

It was 12 years ago that you left your earthly body and joined my mom in heaven.

I’ve made peace with your absence daddy, although occasionally I go to pick up the phone and call you about something… yes I still do that even now.  What really helps on the days like this one, is that now I can see from your vantagepoint.  How beautiful and terrifying it is to be a parent of adult children.  I want to thank you for loving me, accepting me and helping me with whatever I needed, always and without question.  I clearly see the difference between your judgement and your fear for my well being. You, had an endless capacity to accept my shortcomings inspite of myself.  I understand how your lifes errors reappeared as nightmares coming to life in my choices and the consequences from them.  But I am renewed by the thought that pride for a childs triumphs far outweigh the disappointment from their failures.

I also see Gods logic for your untimely departure.  It was mercy at your feet even though neither of us knew it.  How painful it would have been for you to live through my stroke and cancer.  Either of those events would have put your life in jeopardy from the heartache alone.  I see how when I left home - the real fear began for you as my father.  You did a glorious job though,  parenting me and I am filled with gratitude that you joined me here for so many years.  

You were a complex personality dad, with many strong aspects of yourself taking over during different periods of your life.  In your youth you struggled with the ability to let go of anger, a bit stubborn and quick tempered.  Oh but what a beautiful Monarch you came to be with unbounded love, mercy and compassion and the endless capacity to adapt to the ever changing world around you.  I soaked it all up, like a thirsty sponge not even realizing that it was the best of you that took hold within me, the rest burning off like a morning fog.

These characteristics are your legacy in me, with our follies having no bearing any longer. My children are loved without measure, forgiven, accepted and free to be themselves, all of that directly from you, through me and now resting with them to pass on someday.

I love you, I will always miss you , I will see you again my sweetest papi.

 

That night after you passed away I drove to your house and lay down on the floor, as if by getting closer to your house I would still feel your heart beating. When I heard silence I wept with utter despair. I could not imagine that someday I would have come this far from that pain, to this place where I can freely think of you and simply enjoy the memories of our life's adventure and what an adventure we had! Today I celebrate your birth dad, my old oak tree full of wisdom and strength. I raise my glass and toast to the legacy of your life which surrounds me always.

Two years ago I was set off on an emotional odyssey when my children left on their military careers. You see for every person fighting for our freedom there is a family supporting them, hopefully not walking away from them.

From the act of taking them to MEPS with the small duffle of supplies I packed for them from a list given to us at the recruiting station. This list is the one that may very well be the last one you help them pack, be it because they never move back home or because they never make it back alive- God forbid.

Yes, my children wrote that blank check made payable to "United States of America" for an amount "up to and including their life" I was there when they signed it and I have never lost sight of what that means. As a mother that is fiercely protective of her children- this was the most unnatural thing for me to bless.

But how could I do anything but stand by these children, who would shortly transform into soldiers? It was their future, their dreams, their love of country that was driving them.

I read their letters from basic training as they were being conditioned to all aspects of combat. There was the will to succeed in those letters written with such exhaustion. I could tell in the words they used that they pushed themselves to write, that they sacrificed minutes of sleep to make sure I heard from them. I knew, in those small details that my work had not been in vain- they where finding the last drop of strength left to give to their family, what more would I ever be able to ask of them?

Then the grueling studying they were put through to learn their jobs at AIT. They couldn't just take a day off from classes they had to pass or fail and fail was not an option. My kids learned that lesson there - of 100% commitment. Their life and that of the person next to them depended on it.

My son is now an air traffic controller at a tower here stateside for the time being and my daughter is part of the 82nd Airborne Unit.

Today I remember all those that served before them especially the ones that touched their life in positive example of selfless service of their country.

And I honor my children, 24 and 22 two amazing people that endured so much in their short lives and found a way to turn those experiences into strength of character and loyalty. I deeply appreciate the sacrifices that they have made in their lives to keep our country free. 

Sweetie and the 'other' side of rescue

Those of us who love animals and advocate for all of the unwanted and discarded ones sometimes get to see the companion animal who's found reprieve from death and is awarded a happy ending with love and care from a family to call their own. That is what makes the heartbreak for the ones lost bearable.

But the other side...the side of the human who takes the sad weary animal into their lives there is a story there too. 

I adopted Sweetie the day after taking my foster Clementine to Oklahoma...I found her on Petfinders from a group in rural Arkansas. Izard County Rescue Effort (ICARE). She had been brought to her foster mom by the sherrif who'd found a litter of puppies abandoned in a yard after a snow storm...she was 4 weeks old and her siblings had not fared as well, they were found... frozen.  She was the lone survivor.

Her foster mom Delories, a hard working woman had many animals to care for of her own on her farm. Yet she made time to participate in the volunteer group that rescues unwanted pets locally. She still takes in fosters, sometimes 6 or 8 at a time its hard work to do after a long day on the farm.

I met Delories half way from Layfayette to Kansas City and did the exchange in the parking lot of a store. It was a tear filled goodbye, Sweetie was 5 months old and had lived her whole life with Delories. But even through tears she was so pleased to meet my daughter and I...she said she knew Sweetie was going to be very, very happy.

Its been more than 9 years as I write this...and Sweetie is a very happy girl....and so am I.

I still occasionally write Delories and send pictures to update her but mostly to thank her again...and again not because she saved a puppy...because that choice was easy.  But I sing a quiet and heartfelt song of appreciation to her, for caring enough to be inconvenienced, for caring enough to take another one in when there was no room, for caring enough to stretch her last dollar, for caring enough to change my life

You see Sweetie has been a very important part of my history...she is the memory of my youngest learning to walk, the memory of my stroke and cancer- and how she was my very own therapy dog, the memory of snow and soccer games and running at the lake.... and of course the memory of countless nights of holding that big fat speckled dog and feeling a calm that has been her gift to me always,

Sweetie exists because someone cared...

Thank You Delories

To all of my friends who work so hard at saving homeless pets your legacy in kindness doesn't end with the animal in need, the people whose lives are touched by your handiwork are eternally grateful that you cared

21

When Tana and I were first together, it was 24 x 7. He went with me to class at KU, I stacked my full time schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I could work full time the rest of the week. He was right there with me when I was throwing up in the trash bin next to the service bar at the Ritz Carlton on the Plaza, 

I worked many double shifts during this time in my life. 'Tana" was a term of endearment for him, my constant companion. I was never alone - for the first time in my life, come good or bad- there he was. I fell hard, I knew my life had changed now that I had felt this type of inconceivable "I will die for you" type of love and devotion. I was in a complicated and often contemptuous relationship with my husband and far from my only parent but I had my Tana! For the good part of a year it was like that, him and I against all challenges.

Then on March 24, 1993 he was born- the child I had planned on naming Montana "Tana" would now be Joseph Patrick, all 9 lbs arrived after a day and a half in labor. It was as if he wasn't ready to be born- he was in fact already a week late. I expected him to be born on St Patricks day but he chose his own day instead.

Today he celebrated 21 years on earth. But I have held his friendship in my soul for 9 months longer. I am the luckiest of all!

Congratulations! My Tana, my bubbie, my son, Joe Pat

You are loved beyond measure... remember- life's a trip- I hope you always enjoy the ride and never forget your way home.

Mum

my dads 84th birthday...

It was my fathers birthday on Friday. He would have been 84 years old.  I can imagine him, with whiter hair and a fully white mustache ` he would have been a handsome man even at 84.  But I don't think he would have been happy to live this long.  I wasn't ready to face that until last week when I was at my daughters visiting.  She invited all of her friends over for 'mamas' food.  I prepared a mexican feast just like my kids like- this is a pretty involved affair. Thats 7 separate items to prepare.

It was 4 simple words

I was hurrying to get the food timed and out on cue, something I always prided myself with being able to do with a Martha Stuart  ease. But that was before the injury from the chiropractor, before the stroke.  Its so much more challenging now. I nearly burned something, then nearly spilt all of the salsa out of the blender because the bottom came loose and Sophie said. don't worry mom "you still got it." Those words bounced around with a loudness of a bullet in a barrel as I finished up. Truly I was holding back the tears because my mind went back to my dads last piece of furniture he made me. Well, the bed I am sitting in right now.  It is in the background of many pictures here on my facebook.  By the time he was completing it his diabetes had made his eyesight a bit worse and the varnishing was more troublesome than it had ever been before. I remember the sadness it brought him when we discovered a couple of small drips on the back of the bed -really small drips. But he was a perfectionist and his work showed it. I could tell it bothered him even though to me it was just another little bit of him that I would always have. Standing there in Sophies kitchen I felt just like my dad. Knowing that I could do this so well at one time and now while I could do still do it, I could no longer shine at it. 

my dads legacy.

So the final years of my dads life were not the greatest for him professionally, a craftsman never really retires - he only starts working from home. But with his eyesight failing his desire to build seemed to decline. Now, I finally understand. He didn't stop building because he lost interest- he stopped because he lost his confidence that he could do it to HIS standards! For that I am so very sad. Being in that situation myself I see why he was so lost. It seems that on my dads birthday he sent to me another life lesson transcending the space between us.  I managed to connect my circumstance to the pain he could not articulate.  

Now I understand that I cannot hold myself to the standard of my peak performance, I may never get to that level with cooking again- and thats OK! I can teach Sophie, or Jack or Joe. I can learn something completely different and master it to the highest level or I can adapt my expectations!

Playing the Dogs

You may know- since you are on my facebook that I am an advocate for animals maybe even that one of  my favorite quotes is Albert Schweitzers  "think occasionally of the suffering of which you spare yourself the sight".   I honestly believe that if we all continue to look away from the ugly truths they will continue to be perpetrated.  I used to be much more hands on within the rescue community before my stroke but even though I can't transport animals or foster I have found other ways to stay involved.   I still "play the dogs" as my kids call it when I pledge money on the unwanted ones across the country hoping to make them more attractive to prospective rescues. When we lose one, its not a lost wager- its actual death and those losses are taken hard, some weeks loss is all there is.

this is one of those weeks

Why do I engage in this bizarre activity? Because there are nearly 3 million dogs and cats that are killed yearly in this countries shelters because of overpopulation. That's about one perfectly healthy dog, cat, kitten or puppy, mutt or pure bred animal dying every 11 seconds...

I will only briefly mention the abuse of these innocent animals. We see the equivalent to law and order special victims unit and criminal minds all rolled into one horrible episode with dogs and cats as the victims. Except its no show, its real and its scary. For those of us who choose to "think occasionally of the suffering" this crap stays with us- it gets burned in our minds if we let it. But to be effective I can't let it bog me down with anger or hate.

I go on for love. Love of the dogs and cats that were not blessed to be mine.

RIP Puppy Doe and Hooch - Uno I am praying for you! 

Mothers Day 2013

In 2008 I was living in Denver with my beautiful kids and husband Alan. we were both doing well in our careers and our kids were busy in many activities. We were - well.. like many of you. We were going non-stop and barely enjoying our blessed life.

One day Alan was at the park with our youngest child when he had a sudden cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated by a good samaritan but not in time to prevent brain death.  We held vigil at his bedside for 6 excruciating days before he left his earthly body. It was on that 5th day that I saw my chiropractor and had a neck adjustment. I remember thinking I need to take care of myself so I can be strong through this for the kids.  Unbeknownst to me my caroited artery had been disected in that adjustment.

When he passed away  I drove the kids and I across Kansas back to Missouri where he would be laid to rest next to his dad.  When I arrived I had the first stroke- a minor one at the visitation. We all thought I had been overcome by grief and exhaustion. I pulled it together through the funeral and the drive back to Denver where upon arriving I took myself to the hospital and had a major stroke there. I lost my right side and my speech, those first few days in the ICU I was trapped in my own head. I could only pray silently for my children who were at home grieving the dad they had just lost and now would have to contend with this scary experience.

Twice I've nearly died in unfortunate moments of my life. Once after this massive stroke the other after my first cancer surgery.  During these experiences I lost my fear of death and felt a profound peace as if a benevolent hand were covering me. I felt a warmth over my face- like the sun shining. When I recovered physically from the crisis I had changed- my perspective had changed 

Yes, I reclaimed my life, but only the parts worth saving. 

Before two years had gone by since Alans passing and my stroke when I was diagnosed with a complex aggressive breast cancer. I had made peace with death should it come. 

How is it to have made peace with death?!

I explain it like this. I flash back to every amazing moment I can think of I run them through my mind as quickly as I can....My parents when they were young, my brother and I playing marbles, the smell of my favorite foods, friends from childhood, my vw golf, my fathers hands at work, the boy with the brown and blue eyes, my dogs, my cats, 24's smile, 22's hugs, 26's eyes, the sound of their laughter and the images keep coming so fast once I ask them to - positive beautiful images are limitless within me..

I have fought hard to stay here through 6 months of chemo and 33 doses of radiation and 3 surgeries because I want MORE  time but if I had to leave - wow- I've had so much beauty YES EVEN with becoming a widow so young, having a stroke and then cancer, losing my memory and parts of my body.  ALL I CAN THINK OF IS HOW GRATEFUL I AM FOR ALL THE BLESSINGS AND AMAZING MOMENTS I HAVE EXPERIENCED! 

And on this Mothers Day I have nothing but joy and thanks for a life already filled with everything I that have ever wanted!
What I wish for all of you is, Hope through your adversity - calm in your chaos - that you find love in unexpected places- its all a matter of perspective! If you can't change your circumstance than change your vantage point.

If you're having troubles, come stand next to me- my view is amazing!