Nails

Nails

I had quite the melt down today. Bigger and badder than after my surgery or after days of pulling my hair out until there was none left and seeing myself bald for the first time.



I hit some sort of invisible brick wall emotionally, it was shocking and I felt battered and embarrassed by it as I steadied myself after it happened in front of my loved ones I nearly hyperventilated.



What happened to my nerves of steel?



Today I just couldn't contain myself and it was the least of my tragic moments thus far on my cancer journey. I noticed that my nails are turning black a few days ago but today I started to look at the nail beds under my nail polish and could see the darkness seeping through the candy apple red... As my heart started to race I also noticed my toe nails were sore and the whole thing overwhelmed me.



I'm losing my nails...



There was no preparing for this hit, this wasn't supposed to happen until the taxol in July... Now what will I have to sacrifice to the cancer when it finds out that there are no nails to take then?! I've given all that it's asked for so far without question like a blackmailer with big goods on me it comes and demands what it will and I given it without question. My flesh? Ok. My hair? Take it all. Any sense of well being? You got it. My nails... Wait... I promised those for later...



My life? No!! I still say no. I'm tougher than this. Even with all I given I'm am tough as nails.



Just not today...