Fighting for a passing grade

I was really looking forward to a beautiful spring in our new house, a trip to New York for our first anniversary and then summer with the kids by the pool...Then on March 7th, 2011 I woke up early and something told me that there was a reason to check my breast, I didn't have any pain- I had just had my yearly exam a month earlier but it's like someone whispered in my ear "check it." I did, and promptly woke Kirk up. There was a lump the size of a cherry in my left breast! So undeniable, so startling that even my tough husband had a tear in his eye in the soft light of dawn. We knew. I called my doctor that day.

On March 21 we received the call that would confirm our darkest fears. I had been diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, it is a grade II and triple negative for hormone receptors. I will need double mastectomy and have decided to have immediate reconstruction so I will be in the operating room roughly 6 hours.

Many tears later, many silent moments and sleepless nights- weeks have gone by and we have by necessity have been thrown into a sort of information overload as if our final thesis is due an yet we had never heard of the material before.

Kirk and I had a very poignant talk about what what "fighting against cancer" looks like.

It's not always positive cheerleader behavior. No, more often than not it's quiet tears of pain or fear but sure from your gut resolve telling any number of health professionals that they may proceed with a test or a procedure in spite of the discomforts or scars. It's knowing that what you are agreeing to will change you but may very well save you, that to me is fighting for your life. So without fanfare, without a pink boa around my neck (although I may get one!) I spent the morning making many calls to my now growing number of doctors.

My new surgery date is April 19th

I have my first oncology appt is this Fri which is now more important than ever since the type of cancer (triple negative) is less common, more aggressive, not treatable with hormone medications and has twice the recurrence rate as other types. They have to hit it with the nastiest chemo... And that's where this conversation started. I have been profoundly sad because of this latest news...
so my husband seeing me so beaten down said," we are just getting started you have to fight"

I am fighting! even though sometimes it will be sadly it will be boldly too! maybe quietly but in my heart I am roaring with my will to survive this. I have no doubt that while I have been given not only cancer but a particularly challenging one...It has no idea who it's up against.