Nightmare or reality?

Yesterdays appointment with my oncologist was like a nightmare that is so real that the line between reality and dreaming is blurred.

It was my first meeting with this doctor and fortunately he was everything that i would want in this situation; caring and patient and he gave off an aura of knowledge. Perhaps it was his thick white hair or the way he took the time to draw a rudimentary graph on how my treatment is supposed to work that reminded me of my fathers patience with me when I began to look puzzled at his explanation. In any case I kept it together, I took notes and eventually headed back to my car with confidence in this man and swimming in information.

He talked about the sub-type of cancer that i have- triple negative. This is and will continue being the biggest fear factor of my oddessy. I have read numerous articles much information on this and felt well prepared for this meeting. Yet I was floating above myself watching as he spoke
to me and I fiddled with the corners of my shirt. He said 40 to 50% recurrence rate... Lungs... Bones... Spine... and my ears started to ring I felt nauseated for a moment like I might pass out. It wasn't that I hadnt seen those numbers before but I was listening to them being spoken to me for the first time. It was a bit shocking to say the least and it sucked all of the oxygen out of the room.

Depending on my recovery from surgery my first chemo should be mid May. I will be doing 8 weeks of dose dense which means less recovery for the cancer to grow between treatments and unfortunately less recovery for my body too. This, followed by 12 weeks of a more standard dosing regimen. I have 20 weeks to slay this monster within me.

I scarcely remember the two hours following the appointment. I can tell you that if you allow it your mind it will grab ahold of you and rape your spirit like a stranger in an alley. The next thing I knew I was laying in bed thinking of my funeral. Wow. Never again! I will stay in well lit areas or with someone at vulnerable times like that.

Cancer has my body held hostage at the moment I AM NOT HANDING OVER MY SPIRIT TOO.