I found myself at the the kitchen door at 4 am this morning letting the beagles out. I must have been shooting daggers because neither Sweetie nor Claire suggested a treat as we waited for Montana to return... and waited and waited. I started to feel like I might pass out in the kitchen and in my infinite wisdom decided that stepping out onto the deck to call him back was the thing to do A. I would retrieve lost hound B. it would shake me out of dizzy spell. Never mind that I might not be found for several hours and die of exposure. After all the wind wind chill was in the single digits.
Just then my roaming (dirt eating) beagle came running back up the steps with his ears flopping. All three knew I was in no mood so they followed me back to the room without a peep.
I took my spot in the middle of the bed, where I've chosen to sleep. I dislike these long stretches of time in solitude right now- I have spent way too much time in bed this last 10 months and I have gotten a little kookie about it. I start to feel like my side of the bed is going to swallow me up so I have moved to the middle where it becomes like my family bed when Joe and Sophie were little. All three of my babies come and spend time with me and push a beagle out of the way to lay and watch TV or talk to me.
Jack is always my first visitor... I was actually sleeping soundly after the deck debacle this morning when I awoke to my over head light shining on me and Jack announcing that Montana had thrown up dirt.
As my eyes opened my mind tracked on what day it was and as I thought... "Happy Birthday you made it!!" So I slowly got up and cleaned the mess even though my bones where screaming but inside I was grinning like I got another one over on the devil himself.
I don't know what the life lesson is behind losing a husband, followed by a stroke and then cancer other than to appreciate the hell out of each birthday no matter the absurdity that may have accompanied the 365 days previous. I feel that I was put on some sort of fast track to wisdom...
For this day I am happy, I am alive while not feeling my best, I am celebrating my milestone while melancholy... you know we should remember that through all of our conflicting feelings Love trumps all.
I am filled with love! all I need is a vehicle for that and I can't help but look around and put my arms out to bring them all in...
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