retired warrior

Today my status changed from warrior to survivor as my last visit to the radiation table was at 8:15 this morning. Ironically I was not as elated as the last day of chemo, maybe because I feel like I've been wielding a katana for 9 long months slaying dragons on my daisy path. I can't lie, I'm exhausted. There will be the burden of keeping vigil for rogue cancer that I suspect will never truly leave my life, I'll keep a watchful eye on long solitary walks on my path because I understand the danger and the statistics as well.

 I currently have fresh wounds from surgery and my radiation burns are a bright festive red that are expected to peak on Monday before starting to heal. I don't feel like celebrating with a night out on the town but its important to mark it as indelibly as the moment I was told I have cancer. I was having such a lovely life and I want desperately to think that this day will mark the beginning to an equally wonderful life. Unfortunately it's not that simple and I'm not quite the same so there is much healing to be done to my psyche as well as my body.

When I close my eyes I imagine my loved ones that are gone cheering for me especially my parents who would be so happy that I fought so hard to stay here with my children. I've picked them daisies when I felt closer to there than here and in my minds eye my mother is holding them in one hand and stretching the out to touch me with the other. 

With all that cancer has taken of my flesh it took nothing from my spirit - For that I am the most grateful for and I suppose that is the thing I should celebrate. 

Our spirit is intact even when our bodies are so broken- I never really knew that until I took my first step onto my daisy path. And although this is a path you can neither retreat from or jump off of-  it's purposeful loveliness will transcend from this world to the next.

Its time to tend to my daisies here amongst the living, without war raging on around them they will have a chance to look tall and strong by spring...