March 21

I read all of your heartfelt posts from my status yesterday... after I shared the news that the MRI had revealed cancer. Oddly enough March 21 is a tough day for me anyways, you could say a perfect emotional storm was brewing.
 
 
1- Joe Pat will be 18 in a few days and I'm pretty sure I was upset about that starting on his 4th birthday. Yet a peace had calmed that storm cloud with the thought that he has never been more stable and ironically more of a kid than right now in this space and time in our lives. So the stress from the impending outcome of this health scare has me really focused in on that serenity of his and of Sophie as well since they have climbed the highest peaks with me and shared the weight of our blessing Jack when noone else was their to help with him. Watching Joe be a kid has been like slurping the last of a favorite drink out of a straw this past few weeks...I just don't want it to end. Here in this beautiful home where he brings his buddies over and they all call me mom and he bonds with Kirk changing the oil in his car...
 
 
2- It was the anniversary of the passing of my father, which for those of you who know me well or have read my writings understand that for me the first day of spring will always be shrouded in a black velvet blanket that I will not put down because while it causes me to miss some of the sun it envelopes me in the softness and comfort of my memories of him. I miss him horribly still after all of these years - he was my best friend.
 
 
3- It was my father in laws birthday. He lives with us. I wanted it to be a lovely day with thought filled cards from the kids and a dinner at his favorite steakhouse. Which I was determined to do and dragged my sedated butt there because I did not want to miss out on his special day just to cry in my pillow.
 
 
So when I got the call I took the news with only hairline fractures starting to show in my voice I thought I was going to make it without falling apart...then one tear came through and like a dam that had been compromised I fell -literally to the ground and wept for my kids and what they would go through, for my husband for having fought for our country and now he would have to sit back and watch me take this enemy on myself.
 
 
...and then I cried for me because that is ok... we do so much crying for others and then deny ourselves that, apologize for that. Hell I survived losing both parents, a spouse, having stroke I have earned a few tears for myself.
 
 
In the end I did get up brushed myself off, celebrated a birthday and managed to read everyones well wishes last night and today I've sobbed a little less and turned to my 'air' which is words.
 
 
It feels like spring today and the breeze feels like life - take in a deep breath with me my friends...